An alcoholic hell bent on not facing fears, but being an apathetic waste. Blaming everything and everyone else, rather than taking control and making life give what I desired.
This is where I have come from.
Self observation can be exceptionally difficult. To see oneself in the naked light can easily be overwhelming. It can lead one to hide, or retreat back to the place of denialism, turning to whatever numbs the mind, and brings fogging forgetfulness.
The point of choice
For me, this was facing myself with honesty.
At a crossroads I met my true self, my worst self. No way to leave that self behind, no way to change what was in the past, I had to face myself if I were to heal, still today there are many aspects and stories involving the worst parts of myself that I must face. Recovery is not a sprint. Digging out of the place of dependency, depression, and self pity has been a long journey, beginning with forgiveness. Forgiving myself, with honest self observation, for the lives I have hurt, for the pain I have caused; can be grueling. Forgiveness, does not happen in the blink of an eye, it took many months, requiring detailed dissection of past memories, events, and decisions, leading all the way back to my childhood for me to put the pieces of my life together for observation.
To change requires honesty within, all the hurt and wrongs in the past, are just that; in the past. Moving forward and facing these observations about oneself are sometimes difficult, very difficult, it is likely to find that you do not like the person you are observing.
Can at the point of choice, you choose to move forward despite the cost?
Are you willing to truly know yourself?
As I took the time, I documented what I observed about myself (and still document what I observe daily).
Take an analysis of your thoughts, your actions, your triggers, your reactions…
Subject the story you tell yourself to cross examination. What is the story your mind has developed? Is it based in fact? Are your actions and reactions appropriate given what you are observing?
In my experience, this is the gateway to freedom within oneself.
Time to face inward.
Time to remember the past things.
Time to be honest within.
Time to observe.
Time to change.
Time to be grateful.
