As we progress towards what we desire to be, we find the struggles are even more intense. When anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, hatred are met with enlightenment, the battle within becomes more difficult.
To give into the hate, the anger, is easy; to destroy in the moment, may produce the outcome which requires rebuilding, instead of enhancing. The worst self and the best self are always going to be at odds, and only one can be in control.
The exhaustion that comes with growth requires rest. Allow yourself to feel; feel the best of yourself, feel the worst of yourself. Become aware, become more.
As I look at myself now, I am seeing more and more who the real me is. I see how the past has shaped who I am. It’s a life long quest to know truly as wholly as possible, who I am, and who I want to become, through self observation.
The days are many and the nights are restful, I am more at peace now than in many days past. This moment in time is a great one currently, and I love every day with my wife, the cats, and the dogs.
I cannot deny the past, and I won’t spend my life trying. I will try every day to live my life in a peaceful and happy manner. I will try to do good for my family and those I encounter. It’s a tough road full of pain and misery that I have been on. Alcohol nearly took it all, but it’s not the alcohol, it’s the alcoholic, and he lives in me; alcohol is merely the weapon. The alcoholic uses the weapon to destroy, first to destroy everything dear to the alcoholic, then to destroy the alcoholic. My duty and only hope is too never again let that gain control, even to my final times. That is the only course for victory! To leave this life sober.
I feel like I’ve tapped into something greater than myself. I’m trying to not define it, I just feel that it is. The smell of something from my memories. I hope l have many happy years, but I know the future consists of the future I build with my actions of today.
